Dear Emily

Dear Emily,

First off I would like to apologize for my delay in writing this letter, it was never my intention to hurt or offend you. To be quite honest I have very fond memories of spending Sunday afternoons with you playing. I especially enjoyed coming to your home to ride in your Barbie car, as I did not have a Barbie car. It was always disappointing  when you informed me it was not charged or that you did not want to ride, which was not a problem for you because you owned said Barbie car. I digress. Our friendship was short lived for other reasons, reasons that are not entirely your fault but my own.

I will never forget riding home with you that Sunday afternoon; I was very excited (maybe because of the Barbie car, maybe not). We had had a delightful day in children's church & now would spend the afternoon together before the evening service. And then it happened. I looked over at you Emily, and you barfed. All over the car. To be quite honest I was horrified and disgusted.

Emily, you did not know this, but as a child I had an irrational fear of throwing up. The incident in the car only further solidified my worst nightmares. I know your father tried to make light of it by rolling the windows down & playfully tease you, but the damage had been done. As you will probably recall, when we arrived at your home, even though you felt much better, I promptly called my parents to come pick me up because I did not 'feel good.' Not true Emily, not true. I was traumatized.

For weeks following this incident you asked me to come over & I always made up an excuse. In fact, I avoided you like the plague. Our friendship ended shortly after. Emily it was absolutely not your fault you could not control your bodily functions, but my own strange issues. I am sorry that in my adolescent mind I blamed you. I am sorry that our friendship ended on unfair grounds. Emily where ever you may be, please accept my sincerest apologies.

Best Regards,

Kristin Holdeman, formerly Kristin Grubbs

Milestones

I don't know what it is about milestones that make me want to write. I suppose with each one that passes I feel a little more grateful, victorious & reflective.

This past Sunday was another milestone for me: Mother's Day. On this day last year we announced our pregnancy publicly.

Fast forward a year & I think I was a little unprepared for the emotions I felt. I honestly didn't think too much of it at first... Until someone wished me a Happy Mother's Day & then laughed it off, apologizing for putting the cart before the horse. After that I felt a little nervous for the rest of the day. It's funny because I kept thinking, 'I hope people don't feel uncomfortable around me because they think I'm upset.' Truly, I was not upset. It was... Bittersweet?

At various moments I started thinking how I should have a 5 month old right now, and how differently my life would look. But then I started thinking of the growth I've had in my life recently, how confident I feel, the blessed assurance that I have, the 'I can do anything I want to at the drop of a hat if I want to because I don't have kids'.

It was a little heart wrenching to look back reflecting on what could have been. It was also empowering to reflect on what is and what will be (a full quiver, right, Amber?!).

This verse has been stuck in my mind since:

Ps. 30:5 - I couldn't pick which version I liked best

The nights of crying your eyes out
    give way to days of laughter. (MSG)

Weeping may last through the night,
    but joy comes with the morning. (NLT) 


It would have been easy for me to let bitterness take root in my heart, but I felt the Lord with me all day, gently nudging me & reminding me of who He is & who I am. Giving me hope. Sitting here now I find myself teary eyed, not out of loss but out of hope.

An Update

I have thought about writing this post for a long time. This journey with Molar Pregnancy has been so complicated. Mainly because there is very little information about it available, and I didn't just miscarry.

I have thought, felt and said some very selfish & awful things. I have struggled with each pregnancy announcement & birth. I've been jealous, angry, bitter, embarrassed, confused and desperate. I cringed every time I went into social situations hoping that no one had been uninformed of my situation, & say something about my pregnancy (which happened. which they did. people mean well). I fought my doctor & my husband because I was convinced I needed a baby. Now. I cried. A lot. I prayed. Sometimes angry prayers. Confused prayers. Healing prayers. Trusting prayers.

Here I am nearly a year later since we got pregnant. And here I am alive. Well. Happy. Content. Hopeful. I never thought this would be possible. I remember crying with a group of ladies, venting that I just wanted to feel 'normal'. I was so tired of having this constant lingering thought; weighed down with baggage that I could not let go of. I see now that either good things or bad things can come out of devastation. Praise God that I chose good.

I am in a completely different place than I was when I wrote my first post on our Molar Pregnancy. A place where I can share more about the journey God has had me on & the wonderful (& hard) things I have learned. Stay tuned.

On June 3, at our initial prenatal appointment Josh and I found out I was not pregnant, nor had I ever been. I was diagnosed with a molar pregnancy. Meaning that instead of a fetus forming, a cyst had formed instead. My body reacted as though I was pregnant, and I had all of the symptoms. There was absolutely no way to tell that this was what had happened except through an ultrasound. I had a procedure done to remove the cyst and I am doing well.

This has been a very painful & devastating process for us both, but by God's grace we are doing well. From the moment we found out until now we have been trusting in the Lord and relying on His strength. We firmly believe that God works ALL things together for our good. I love each of you dearly and I hope you understand why I couldn't call each of you and tell you this personally. We appreciate your love and your prayers more than you know. 

Kristin

He Said

There are times when there are no words.
Today I heard this song, and it speaks right to my heavy heart.
I have to believe.

I have to believe
That He sees my darkness
I have to believe
He knows my pain
I have to lift up
My hands to worship
Worship His name

I have to declare
That He is my refuge
I have to deny
That I am alone
I have to lift up
My eyes to the mountain
It's where my help comes from

Oh yeah
He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

Oh, I have to stand tall
When the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong
When I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold
Ahold of the garments
The garments of praise

I know, I know, I know
Cause He said that He's forever faithful
And He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

I have to sing praise
When the hour is midnight
He unlocks these chains
That bind up my soul
My sin and my shame
He has forgiven and made me whole

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Cause He said that He's forever faithful
And He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
He said that He can move mountains
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

I have to believe
I have to believe
He's got everything under control
I have to believe
Lord, I believe
Help my unbelief
I have to believe in You
I have to believe

Embrace {Insecurities}

Something that I struggle with is insecurities. Truly, comparison in general. It can get a little crazy up in this head, and it is something I constantly  have to work on (and probably will always have to guard my heart with)

Confession: I have always hated my freckles.

As a child I was very easily embarrassed. At the mere mention of the word freckle, I was convinced that everyone in the room at the time was staring at me, and would automatically turn red.

Not too long ago I went to buy new foundation... The associate helping me automatically picked a shade and coverage and went to town on my face... When she was finished I looked in the mirror, and she said "it looks great and it covers your freckles nicely..."

I was honestly slightly offended. I never said I wanted to cover my freckles, she naturally assumed it was what I wanted. It was in that moment that I realized that I love this "imperfection" about myself. I don't want to cover or hide my freckles, but want to embrace that they are a part of me. God made me, and He made me how He wanted me to be. I think that when we begin to pick things we don't like about ourselves, we are telling God that what He made isn't good enough. That He made something wrong. If there is one thing I know about God, it is that He never makes mistakes.

I choose to embrace how God made me, freckles and all (I tried really hard not to shutter at the word this time ;))

Evaluating

{The self kind}

If you haven't noticed I am not a diligent blogger.

I have been doing some soul searching lately as to why I blog, or at least started this blog... Who am I blogging for? What do I want from blogging? In doing so, I have come to a couple of conclusions... I don't want to be a super popular blogger with thousands of followers, I don't want to have sponsors, I do not want to host giveaways, I do not want to open an Etsy shop. I am not looking to promote myself. What I am looking to do is have an outlet, where I can talk about what is on my heart, tell a goofy story, share the on goings of two kids in love with my family and friends, and hopefully one day share about our growing family.

Recently I stumbled upon my Live Journal account, circa 2004. May I paint a picture of what this entails? I am 16 years old, my profile picture is a mouth with braces, with a tag that says, "braces are sexy"... No further explanation is necessary. Although hilarious and quite entertaining reading what I said (confession: upon writing this I went back and read through an hour worth of entries. Wowza), I really like seeing how much I have changed. To read my 16 year old perspective on life, through my 24 year old eyes, and realize what a great work God has done in my life.

What God is doing in my life.
Because He is ALWAYS doing something.
And lately, it weighs on my heart, like I have to get it out.

So, all of that to say...

I blog for Christ, that he may be glorified. I blog for myself, that I may remember His glory. I blog for those dear to me to share in His glory.

The End.